Wednesday, December 19, 2007

"Cirque.." Progress 12-9-07

Stitched a while on my "Cdc" this Sunday, though I didn't manage as much time in as I had hoped for. Stuff happens!! The new section is of the darker over-dyed thread where the glass piece is pointing...and the lower continuation of the color to the left-hand side.

I blended the lower section thread 1 ply with a thread of Balger med. gold metallic to soften the color and add more sparkle so it would work with the upper right-hand corner medallion. I like how that worked. So, now it's a matter of choosing "strengths" of color, and knowing when to blend metallic.... and when to change to the next over-dyed hue as I move along!

Seriously changing the subject here:
Christmas is a difficult time for so many. When I think of how many suffer over the holidays, my heart just goes out to them. And, when I remember the times in our own lives that Christmas was a mess, and not wonderful in the memory of it...I feel so deeply saddened that I couldn't wipe it away and make it all better; as if it were just a story on a page, or a drawing in chalk that could so easily be redrawn. Life, as they say, just isn't that way.

As you get older, or maybe it's just me, one tends to hold up their lives and actions as if it were possible to make some sense of it all. To see through all the pattern of it like a piece of lace held up to the light. We each have good and perfect people, places and things that cross our life paths, and also, nightmarish, sad and regretful things. One just hopes and prays that she has loved enough and given enough of her "good heart-side" to make the rest pale in comparison. One hopes and prays that at the end, the lace itself with be enough to be remembered as a moment of beauty in time and space. An overall pattern of knots and open spaces that was difficult to make, and caused some pain and trouble, but resulted in something that could be seen as a thing of encouragement to others in the end. Something that said, love made it through brilliantly.

But, maybe it doesn't always seem that way to others...maybe it's just too difficult for children to lose their dad at such early ages, and it's something that truly "ruined" their lives in a way that can't be "fixed." I don't know.

I used to hope I could make it bearable by being there and loving and showing tremendous support for my children. I gave it all I had to give as a mother. I suffered my own grief, walked my own road, made good and awful decisions that effected us all; and tried my level best to give my children a core family, love, understanding and respect; as well as an A #1, sterling USA education that was all money could they could have a great foundation for their own futures. That with alot of prayer and guidance was all I knew to do.

But, you know what? Nothing can really take the place of a real dad. Nobody else can fill the gap. No one can nurture and love a child like their real father....nobody really loves them that much, no matter how much they try. The hole that's left can not be filled. Whether by scores of "father figures" through schools, sports and family and a "new" dad...or by tales/stories of how much their dad loved-- would have been so proud-- was just like you--- so much like your brother--would have wanted to be a part of that--- would have loved guiding you and talking with you, reading with you, playing music with you, touring France with you, choosing a law school with you, helping you find your first apt. and car, seeing you married, watching you with your newborn child, knowing his grandchild... None of that really can make up for the fact that, "My Dad died. I was too young to really know him. I didn't have, don't have, and never will have my dad. I can't look forward to spending time with my dad and child, because he's not here. He was and is gone, and that is final, and I will never see or know him as an adult....ever. And, neither will my child."

Tough to hear, tough to know, and tough to live and still live with as a mom. Never underestimate the value of being a parent and of your children having their parents. It is so basic and so foundational, and; yet, we, in this modern age, have forgotten that it is a fact. Children need to know where/who they came from. Christmas is the perfect time to let them know with pictures and stories of their family heritage.

Christmas isn't the easiest time in our family. We have broken hearts that are patched together, and laced with love and good things.....but we have a hole in our Valentine. Nobody else can fill it, all we can do is look at it a quick moment together and recount how we've survived, and how we made the best of it we could, and acknowledge how much it still hurts. How angry it still makes us.

I hope if any of you are or have experienced sadness at Christmastime, you'll take heart in the thing that gives me the most comfort:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever (even the lowliest we can think of type of person...) believes on Him (believes that He came to take us out of the prison of darkness and to set us free from our own harmful choices against eachother and ourselves, and to lead us like a loving parent would through this life with it's difficult challenges and opportunities...) will not die, but will go on to live an everlasting life (in paradise, where He causes there to be no more tears and sadness, no more evil and unkindness, no more heartbreak, no more misundertandings, no more empty spaces....only love and light and understanding and reunion of hearts and loved ones)." Because we know that this world and this life is fleeting and fragile, and that there's no hope except in Love. Every single one of us knows it in our heart of hearts. Love is eternal, never ends, never dies, doesn't keep account of wrongs, hopes the best for us, forgives and forgets, protects and comforts us. Love is all there is that matters. Love is the reason we live. "God is Love."

I'm off to Boston for Christmas...and I'm carrying a renewed hope for a wonderful time of love and celebration in this new generation of Duncans. Because my little granddaugter has a daddy. And, he's going to stay!!! And, I know it will make all the difference.



Barbara said...

Dear Deb, I'm really sad to read about the hole in your lives left by the loss of your children's biological father. I've never lost a parent, so I can't begin to grasp how that must feel. I was lucky enough to grow up with a step dad who treasured me and made me feel like I couldn't possibly be more "his" than if he'd been there at my conception, and I'm lucky enough to have married a man very much like him. Sesnding you and yours very much love through the holidays and always.

Sally said...

Dearest Deb, wishing you and your family a wonderful Christmas. {{{{hugs}}}}

Isabelle said...

May your Christmas be filled with love.

Juls said...

(((((((Deb))))))))) Thinking of you this Christmas time!!!!

Vonna said...

What a beautifully written post. Know Deb that although your husband passed, you did all you could to hold your family together and from what I've read and seen through your blog you did a darn great job! I'm sorry for you loss and for all those that in some way has lost, I understand because I lost too and it does hurt. But my Grandpa who was like my father said to me, "Whatever happens, happens for the best" and my loss made me who and what I am today and for that I am thankful, because I'm happy with me. And I know your loss made you what you are today and your children too and from where I'm standing that's a pretty good thing too! Merry Christmas Deb to you and yours!

tintocktap said...

What a beautifully written post, Deb! Christmas brings up all sorts of strange feelings in us all.

My mother grew up without a father, so that was something she never knew either. I'm very lucky to have a lovely Dad, although my relationship with my parents can be rocky. However, I do miss Dad's mother who was a good friend to me at times when I felt I just couldn't talk to my parents and was the most sympathetic and understanding person I've ever known.

Margaret said...

Dearest Deb,
What a wonderful, wonderful posting - so full of love and emotion. Thank you so much my friend.
May Christmas 2007 be a blessed one for you and your loved ones.
Love, Margaret

Michelle said...

CdC is looking so beautiful, I love watching you choose each color and placement, just like on your MA Sampler. Big hugs to you and your family this holiday. Enjoy Boston!

Meari said...

Thanks for sharing your sentiments, Deb. (hugs)

Kathy A. said...

My goodness girl. Those are some heavy thoughts. My children grew up with a stepfather as their dad died when they were babies. My DH could not love those children more if he had given birth to them himself and my children love him with all their hearts. Yes, there is a hole in their hearts but they have allowed my DH to fill it pretty well.
Check out the Snowbird SAL today - there is a special message.

Kathy A. said...

My goodness girl. Those are some heavy thoughts. My children grew up with a stepfather as their dad died when they were babies. My DH could not love those children more if he had given birth to them himself and my children love him with all their hearts. Yes, there is a hole in their hearts but they have allowed my DH to fill it pretty well.
Check out the Snowbird SAL today - there is a special message.

Susimac said...

Beautifully written Debs, very emotive of how I'm feeling at this prsent time.

Merry Christmas to you and yours Hugs Su

Anonymous said...

Lovely post, Deb. Enjoy your time in Boston and have a Merry Christmas :)

Von said...

Really lovely, emotion-filled post, Deb.

May your Christmas in Boston be filled with love and joy! :)

The Silver Thistle said...

Just popping by to wish you and yours a VERY Merry Christmas Deb!!!

Looking forward to hearing all your news in 2008!.....I promise to make hoooge efforts to keep mine updated too, lol

tkdchick said...

You're using some beautiful colours for your CDC

Patti said...

Dearest Deb, I am lost for words for once in my life but I do hope that you have a really lovely Christmas in Boston and I'll speak to you on your return. Lots and lots of love Patti xxx

Carol said...

Merry Christmas Deb!!

Christine said...

Joyeux Noël Deborah !!!

lena-lou said...

Dear Deb, You certainly have a gift for being able to express your emotion into words, something I find impossible to do like you can.

I called by to wish you Merry Christmas and hope you have enjoyed your time in Boston and that you enjoy the rest of the holidays :-)) xxx

Anonymous said...

I read your beautiful post... it is simply touching and full of love.
I lost my dearest mom three years ago and I know tha pain when you loose a person you love. This year we are facing a very difficult Christmas, being engaged with a war against cancer (my nephew, only 16 year old, the son of my dearest sister, is under radiotherapy after chemotherapy).......... your words touched my heart.
You, proud mom and grandma, gave me the opportunity to read something special and at the same time so real.... you touched my heart.......
Merry Christmas and a very lovely 2008. Thanks,

Please send me an email when you are back from your vacation.